When I was a little boy, my mother always told me that if she ever caught me using an Ouija Board that she would "bend me over backwards, and spank me on the bare penis!" so I was always afraid to use them. Thats why I was surprised to learn that so many Christian mothers across the country were flocking to Amazon to buy this new spirit board for their teens to reconnect them with their faith. It's called "The Holy Spirit Board" and unlike other spirit boards that are designed to contact ghosts and demons, this one is only designed to connect you with our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. But does it really work? We decided to ask Mary, 34, a single mother, OnlyFans model, and an avid user of the "Holy Spirit Board". "I've been a Christian my whole life, so prayer wasn't anything new to me", she recalls, "but it wasn't until I got the Holy Spirit Board that the messages of Christ really started to make sense to me. I used to spend my nights high on cocaine and neglecting my family. One night, my dealer suggested I try the Holy Spirit Board, and it turned my whole life around! Now I spend nights in with my kids, and we talk to Jesus using the Holy Spirit Board. And the best part is, I didn't have to stop using cocaine!" While Mary may have seen the light, some aren't so enthusiastic about this new spirit board. "Ya, one time this bitch started telling me that the Holy Spirit Board didn't really work", she tells us, "but just like it says on the box: Anyone who says the Holy Spirit Board doesn't work is both a liar AND a sinner in the eyes of our Lord, Amen". The Holy Spirit Board is on sale now at Amazon.com

When searching for ways to connect with Gaia, the Mother Earth that cares for all of those who live on the planet and provides all that is needed for successful life, it can be most effective to find your own path to connection. Things that are connected to this spirit include the elements, fire, water, air and earth, along with people, animals, and plants. Everything that lives gets it energy from the earth, and it is necessary to maintain that connection to keep the chakras in balance. A mother is in a particularly close connection to this spirit as they each mother their own children. In order to balance chakras, it is necessary to absorb the energy that will feed each chakra and keep them activated and in harmony. This involves each of the four elements of the earth and releasing the energy that is not productive in aiding that balance, and some crystals are ideal for providing a connection to the earth that will activate the chakras they are most closely connected to. Another option is to use herbs, which can be combined together and with another of the sources of the earth.

The Cult has a deep, rich history dating back hundreds of years. One of the oldest and most studied Cult relics that we still hold today is known as the Divining Rod. An ancient tool used in alchemy and occult seances for over 200 years. It’s mythical powers to this day are truly unmeasurable, but to truly understand it’s powers, we have to take a journey back in time to it’s creator, and one of the Cult’s founders, Isaac Newton. Ah yes, Sir Isaac Newton. One of the world’s most important mathematicians and physicists. It’s well known that Newton was an alchemist and studied the divine works, although few know of his greatest discovery and invention: the Divining Rod. The Divining Rod was a magical wooden staff, measuring about half a meter long, with a bulbed end. It was believed that this tool was used in occult ceremonies and practices. Some have even speculated that the Divining Rod actually was the mythical “philosopher’s stone”. Because so much of Newton’s writings were allegorical and secretive in nature, little is know about it’s actual use. In 1936, the Divining Rod along with a short manuscript of instructions for its use was offered up for sale at Sotheby’s, where it was then purchased by the then-leader of the Cult. The short manuscript included the following excerpt: “For need of a maiden I haven’t any, for the Divining Rod gives me pleasure o’ plenty. When I stand up and pull down my pants, I can pick up the Rod without using my hands!” To this day, nobody knows exactly what this mysterious riddle means, but the top Cult researchers continue to study this mysterious object in the hopes that one day, the Cult will unlock the rod’s divine and mysterious power.